I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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