i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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