i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
