I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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