so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You have to summon your inner elephant
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
