dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I love you. Go after that dick
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
