i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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