The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
