Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
