i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
