What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
