Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
