i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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