The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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