When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
