Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
