We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
