I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize