I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
