I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
