im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
