proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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