Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
