i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize