so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
