i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
