Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I will die if light touches me.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
