I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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