I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
