She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
