One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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