i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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