you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
