dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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