I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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