I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
