Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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