$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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