i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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