How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
