Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
