Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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