im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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