I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
