yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize