I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
