It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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