The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize