So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
