I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize