Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
my liver is dry heaving
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
