Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
