i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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