IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
