I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize