I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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