Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
