I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
