Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
